


The Other Ten Percent

by saltedpin



Category: 20th Century CE RPF, Political RPF
Genre: F/F, Gross, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-25
Updated: 2011-03-25
Packaged: 2017-10-17 06:23:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedpin/pseuds/saltedpin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why would I do this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Other Ten Percent

**Author's Note:**

> This is OLD. Like, 2003 old. I'm mainly posting it for archival purposes. Does anyone even remember who these guys are any more? Well, except for Putin. But let's not.

**DAY ONE:**  
The US contingent kicks off the morning conference by unveiling detailed plans demonstrating how Saddam Hussein drove out Iraq with WMDs in the glovebox of his car.

Tony Blair in a bad mood after having to start the day bribing paparazzi for photos of himself dancing around his hotel room miming Cyndi Lauper songs into a hairbrush.

His mood darkens further when Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schroeder, in blatant display not-caring, arrive late to breakfast looking sleepy and wearing matching terry towelling bathrobes. Attempts to make ostentatious display of new relationship with George W. Bush, but backfires as George in a bad mood after having to wire Laura bail money for Jenna and Barbara. Again.

 

 **DAY TWO:**  
The Italian contingent spends the entire morning screaming at each other, then trash their hotel room, then break for lunch.  
Jacques Chirac sidles up to Tony at the buffet and asks pointed questions about his boyfriend. Blair gets irritated and threatens to tell Schroeder that Jacques said he looked like an abalone with hair on top last year at Lech Walesa's birthday party. Chirac threatens to leak plans showing that Blair approved building part of the Chunnel out of Common Agricultural Policy surplus cauliflowers. Argument devolves into pouting competition.

George Bush stands up at dinner, waves a piece of paper in the air and demands to know who keeps calling numbers in the Iranian area code on his credit. Putin looks remarkably innocent.

Blair gets depressed when, on the way back up to his hotel room, the lift plays an instrumental version of Russian girl group Singing Together's hit single _A Man Like Putin_. Spends the evening watching _A Walk to Remember_ and eating ice cream until Bush calls him to invite him over for bourbon followed by a game of hide-the-WMD.

 

 **DAY THREE:**  
Chirac announces that all sanctions against Iraq should be lifted, as sanctions are counter-productive and hurt the people rather than the leader. Blair reminds him of the time he wanted to impose cotton sanctions on Austria, thus depriving Joerg Haider of the source of his sensible-yet-stylish neutral-tone sweaters. Chirac sulks.

George calls Putin on his mobile to ask why Kim Jong Il keeps text messaging him to gloat that, now that he has invented railways, the Russians are going to build him a trans-Korean one that will very soon take over the world. Putin says he's busy right now but will tell him later.

Jean Chrétien holds a press conference and announces his willingness to answer any serious questions anyone might have. A journalist asks him if he were a garden tool, what garden tool would he be and why?

 

 **DAY FOUR:**  
Blair fretting. Decides to call David Mellors for advice on what not to do when you don’t want the details of who you’re shagging all over the newspapers.

The US contingent unveils detailed plans demonstrating how Saddam drove out of Iraq with Osama bin Laden in the glovebox of his car. A journalist asks where his dialysis machine would fit. The panel confers for several minutes before announcing that it was on the passenger seat, possibly resting in Uday Hussein’s lap, only to retract this statement a couple of hours later to say that there was in fact no firm evidence that it was in the passenger seat, and that actually it may have been in the boot. The statement is later retracted a second time in favour of telling everyone to piss off.

Boris Yeltsin calls Putin to ask if he's told the story about the time Helmut Kohl ate a whole roast pig yet.

 

 **DAY FIVE:**  
Vladimir Putin demonstrates similarities between Chechen conflict and the situation in Iraq to George via the use of green army men and repeatedly writing the word 'TERRORISM!' in very big letters.

Chirac decides to write off rest of conference as huge, shapeless, dead loss and spend the remainder of his time here being rude to everyone. Nobody notices the difference.

George Bush returns to hotel after pleasant walk to find forty-five messages from someone called John Howard waiting for him. Tells his sherpa to stop giving his number out to people in the street.

Blair’s trip goes from bad to worse when he receives a fax from Cherie announcing her intentions to run off with Claire Short and Anne Widdecombe, and turn Number 10 into a lesbian separatist collective. He spends the rest of the day writing 'Mr Anthony Charles Lynton Putin' down the margins of his speech notes, then crossing 'Putin' out and writing 'Bush', only to repeat the process again in five minutes' time.

Silvio Berlusconi won't stop offering to make everyone a really good deal on second-floor balconies.  
Putin spends all evening persuading Schroeder that trading 20 billion dollars worth of Russian debt for equity shares in a Siberian tractor company would be a good thing for all concerned.

The US contingent has all-night think tank to come up with slogans to make the expansion of NATO sound more appealing. Eventually produce 'It's NATO-rific' and '5,000 Kosovars can't be wrong!'

 

 **DAY SIX:**  
Jean Chrétien is awoken early by his hotel phone. It is Dick Cheney, asking if his refrigerator is running. Jean hangs up.  
Karl Rove uses all of the hot water in the presidential shower, so Bush asks Junichiro Koizumi if he can use his. While he's in there, he notices the slogan 'Repair strengthen protect' on Jun-chan's bottle of super-volumising ceramide-infusing shampoo and realises that that would make a really neat US government motto.

Vladimir Putin simultaneously holds three separate press conferences, one of which is in German, unveils plans to eliminate hunger, organised crime and war from the face of Russia, builds a working lifeboat out of paper documents, gives the journalists a judo lesson and plays the national anthem on the spoons. Is given standing ovation.

Berlusconi, meanwhile, takes the Italian quarterly budget down to the local casino and puts it on red 27. The ball comes down on black 4. Italian contingent now has no way of getting home or eating for the rest of the trip. They shout at each other and feel better.

Blair stands beneath Putin’s balcony, strumming his guitar and singing songs about sullen-looking Russian spies until Schroeder throws a vase at him.

Swiss contingent repeatedly calls hotel management, asking if the noisy parties their neighbours keep having can't be quietened down, if not stopped completely.

 

 **DAY SEVEN:**  
George W. Bush breaks down at a press conference and confesses that the real reason they had to invade Iraq was because Saddam wouldn’t stop voicemailing him and Laura was getting suspicious. Tony screams ‘You bastard!’ and flees the room in tears.  
He gets back to the hotel front desk to find a telegram waiting for him that reads 'YOU ARE A BUMHEAD STOP GEORGE SAID SO STOP PS SIMON CREAN SENT THIS STOP'. This sends Blair into a complete emotional spiral, even though he has no idea who Simon Crean is, and decides to end it all. Sticks his head in the oven. Jack Straw points out that hotel has electrics.

Klaus Wowereit won't stop calling Schroeder to ask if he's managed to gain assurance for legislation for the free trade of stripey-yet-tasteful ties in the EU yet. Unfortunately, latest phone call comes right in the middle of when Putin is securing an agreement on visa-free movement between Russia and the EU by 2005. Schroeder gets cross and tells Klaus if he calls him one more time, he'll cancel next year's Love Parade.

The Swiss contingent, sick of getting no sleep whatsoever, finally take matters into their own hands and short out the grid for the entire hotel. The power goes off just in time to foil Blair’s fourth suicide attempt for the evening by throwing Junichiro Koizumi's hairdryer into his bathwater.

Chirac calls Lionel Jospin to tell him that this has been the worst idea since they set up a phone sex line to cover the shortfall in the 1997 budget (as the only person who ever called was John Major, and even then he only wanted to talk about the weather).

 

 **DAY EIGHT:**  
Power back on in hotel.

The French and German contingents have a joint rollerdisco in their rooms, and refuse to invite anyone else. In retaliation, the Spanish, Greek and Italian contingents attempt to have costume ball in the garden, but falls flat as the Italians are the only ones who remember to bring a plate, wear a costume or actually bother to turn up.

Everyone else, meanwhile, has decided to get drunk at dinner and tell each other exactly what they really think while they won't remember. Kim Jong Il text messages Bush to let him know he has expelled another five US diplomats and an obtuse reference to the possibility of his blowing up Japan. Jacques takes advantage of George’s momentary distraction to throw a profiterole at his head. Unfortunately, Jose Maria Aznar dobs him in and George and Chirac set off on drunken chase scene, eventually ending up hot, sweaty and alone in the recreation room, where they shout at each other for a good half hour and then have drunk sex on the billiard table.

Chrétien falls down the wine cellar stairs and decides it's as good a place as any to spend the night.  
Still hurt from George’s betrayal with Saddam, Tony goes off to find Gordon Brown to discuss joining the euro. Is delighted to find a kindred spirit in that they both think David Beckham is a bit of all right, and up shagging on the computer keyboard in the conference room.

 

 **DAY NINE:**  
Everyone wakes to find that Blair's buttocks have emailed them the message:  
'sdadcjcfkjfgm,mnjkfgvnm vcgfd m,gm,smdffnbfj hgsfdjkghd fldfjhkgshfg hdfjkl gsdfl'.

Some short bald guy shows up claiming to be a close personal friend of George W. Bush. Hotel calls security.

George, meanwhile, wakes up on billiard table with Jacques Chirac and a horrible hangover. George apologises for the whole 'Freedom Fries' thing. Jacques apologises for being so French. Order is restored, until George realises that Jacques threw his underpants out the window and into the garden, where members of the press are now enthusiastically photographing them.

After not seeing hide nor hair of Vladimir all day, Schroeder starts writing himself personal ads for the Sueddeutsche Zeitung ('KANZLER, BUNDESREPUBLIK DEUTSCHLAND: GSOH, outgoing, charming smile. Turn ons: Laughing, trees, fresh air, agricultural reform. Turn offs: Excessive use of the word 'dude', the war in Chechnya, racial minorities who think they can dictate foreign policy. Seeks slim, fair-haired type for good times and investment in natural resources.').

Blair stays in hotel room all day after picking up harmless enough-looking magazine, only to discover Alastair Campbell has been serialising his life for it for the past nine months. Although the protagonist's name has been changed, oddly enough, to 'Alastair', Tony's suspicions become aroused when the hero is trying to choose between his wealthy continental benefactress, a poverty-stricken but strangely appealing Russian babe and a perky noveau-riche American cheerleader as a paramour.

In all-night one-on-one conference Putin manages to convince Bush that he should honour the oil contracts Russia made with Saddam's government before the US ~~invasion~~ liberation.

 

 **DAY TEN:**  
George wakes up alone, is disappointed, and remembers that Vladimir never did explain to him about that railway...


End file.
